BLUEPRINTS OF THE “GENERAL’S” MIND Episode 1: eMZee and me take Aso Rock

By on October 10, 2016

Fellow Nigerians.

This thing that I am about to reveal happened some weeks ago when my brother came visiting from the America. I’m talking about Brother eMZee. That is what we used to call him in the hood before he started that Facebook idea thing in our kitchen. I know you dinor see me in that our marathon photo. The photographer dinor like me. But blood is still thicker than water. So keep your Thomasism to yourself. Anyway when we were invited to Abuja, eMZee and me saw one little black book on one table like that. Lo and behold, it was Mr Fresident’s diary. I cannor post everything we saw inside. That will be plagiarism and they now have detection software something in Aso rock to show that. And I am too young to go to jail. My skin won’t do fine there. Anyway this is the part I snapped with my iPhone (what number are they now sef). You know that by reading it, you are now an accomplice to a crime (?) And if they can burst judges’ doors while witches slept, guess where we could both end up. Oya, sign disclaimer here…

“…What is it with small small children of nowadays. First it was that one from Pakistan. The one they say has won a nobel. The Mr fresident who reigned before me; he suffered, God knows. It was because of that girl that people started saying, is Jona blind that he cannot see that Chibok School is empty. Children have been stolen overnight ke. And the girl is one small thing like this, that cannot wear hijab properly. Small girl.

But maybe I should thank her. She is one of the secret helpers Allah used to help me return to power. She and that genius idea of “change”. My favourite 6-letter word after El-rufai. Wait a minute. How many letters is El-rufai. It’s 7 o. If you don’t count the minus after the “el”. Anyway, you won’t believe where I have “change” tattooed. somewhere only me can see. Well; me and Aisha. Oya guess. Can you see that I am funny? I still don’t known why Nigerians are not proud of me.

I miss the good old days when you liked me by default or got the love flogged into you. Now everybody is entitled to things like rights. Just look at the nonsense these courts are saying now. They want me to allow Kalu to go home! Which home? The one his father built in Nigeria or the one he is renting in the abroad. That is the problem with this nonsense democracy something. People have forgotten that it is a privilege to have rights. Pity.

And this stupid agbada itches. Not like my uniform. My dear dear uniform. Why did I ever take it off sef? That thing is tailor-made. Fitted. No loose ends for Bukola’s toxic spit. Son of a gun.

I miss it. But it’s gone. Like my wayec certificate.

Anyway. We were talking about small children, weren’t we? Look at this one that came to see me. Mike or what is his name. The one they say founded Facebook. Zahra has explained that thing to me two hundred times, I still don’t understand. She says people put their pictures and talk to their friends on Facebook. Is that not why we have photo albums and phones and reunion. And that girl is always playing with it. Everyday. She says she created an account for me too. One thing that keeps saying my password is not correct. How will open sesame not be working? Smh.

Well, that is not the point. The boy is here now. And people like him a lot. How won’t they? Look at how he is looking. Small boy like that, richer than me. Richer than Babangida, Bourdillion and everything he packed in Lagos; even Dangote with all his sugar and cement. This world has turned to something else. Wait, is he richer than Nigeria?  Kemi should know. Somebody should call her for me. Kemi. Kemi o. Wait first. Maybe she’s busy. I hear she’s compiling a dictionary on Twister. That geh doesn’t tell me anything these days. Smh. You don’t know Twister? Mark’s rival social media platform. And yes, it’s Mark not Mike. Thank you,  Garuba. Na gode. You know the way Layi is when he’s not sure of something. He said it was Mike o. Phemi agreed and even said Mike is a girl.

Two stupid heads. Why am I surrounded by idiots sef? Forgive me. That is not fair to idiots.  I apologise. Thank you. It is old age taking its toll. And if I fire them now,some five percent people will have another thing to put in Sahara Noisemakers tomorrow. Young blood. Well, I was young once too. When I joined the army. Good times.

My goodness. It’s 7.30 already. Time for bed. Fashola, fetch me the cartoons. Don’t forget the candles. Oil has finished in the presidential gen…”

That was when I started hearing footsteps. eMZee started forming friend of the arts and stared at a wall painting as if inspiration was going to jump out of it. Me I cannot do that one. I hear military shoes can deform a person’s behind. So I dove under the table. And began to mumble words of prayer.

‘Goke

2016

DISCLAIMER: This write up is fictional, it meant no insults to anybody. Rather, to amuse the public and draw the interest of youths to politics and a reading culture.

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